Reminiscence of the year has started and I remember how I thought 2013 would be and how different it actually has been from what I wished or dreamt. I thought I'd be a mom; I thought all the building problems would be solved; I thought I'd be more organised and thrifty; I thought I'd go to the USA this year....

Even though those "wishes" didn't come true, I can say it was a good year, different, but good and that I have new goals for next year and I'll try my best to be a better person in all the things I'll be doing.

I stumbled upon this .gif yesterday and it hit me pretty badly.

It's an extract from the movie The Help that I recently saw at the movies and which really made me cry out loud so much and I can't even remember when I last cried that much. Not because it's all sad or not good but because it's beautiful and emotional and filled with love.

Why it really hit me, first in the movie and then again today is because this little girl looks so much like my niece that it makes me miss her all the more again and wanting to hug her and see her and kiss her and just be there for her.

Those people who are supposed to care about their people and their needs are fools!

They're only making things more complicated than they are. Ok, things are complicated:

Hmm, when I think about it, isn't it how every single country is? Maybe not the royal part. But I can see similarities in my own country (France).

Though I'm getting more and more angry here, everybody knows Sarkozy was a clown, I didn't think, here in Belgium, such a small country, that they would be playing with our nerves so much.

They always disagree no matter the subject, they always judge the leader of a parti without having a discussion with them first, they're always playing with their iPad, iPhone, smart phones during the weekly debates (they should not be allowed to have them during that time at least!), they're allowing taxes that have no real meaning (what should I pay for something I don't have and probably never will?), they're always trying to make the citizen pay for their mistakes or their stupid spendings or their fraude.

I can't take it anymore, this is getting more and more insane over here.

Don't forget this is only my own opinion and I'm pretty angry. Some of you probably know more than I do and can probably explain it much better than I can. But as a foreigner, in a small country with so many problems and differences, I'm really wondering where my future lies. I have a job, I pay taxes. I speak two of the three languages in this country. But I feel it falling apart and becoming so bitter that anger is an easy way out. I know I can't properly do anything, but screaming my opinion is one option I choose.

for this day, this celebration that is
Thanksgiving.

On this day that is only (correct me if I'm wrong) celebrated in a country that I love so much, I am grateful for such a celebration: saying thanks is often taken for granted and it's an important educational element that will help every one of us grow kinder and wiser.

I remember, when I was young, my Mom telling me to say thanks anytime she or another person was giving me something. And I remember not forgetting too much. I probably should have said it more to my brothers and sisters though...
I now teaches my nieces to say it too.

I realize how important it is to be polite, to always be grateful for what we have and for what we are. When I complain, I sometimes think twice before doing it again. I do have all those things that we really take for granted: water, a house, warmth, clothes, love, a family, even two, food, even I'm lucky to be alive. So many people don't have this chance and I try to never forget it. When I have an impulsive shopping spree coming, I make two lists: do I need it? what is it for? Most of the time the first answer is no and the second is so shallow.

Of course, I'm no way near perfect and have big necessities that are not. Of course I buy more food than necessary, I buy stuff that I don't need. I'm in this roller-coaster that is today's society of buying anything for our comfort and self-satisfaction.
But I'm learning. I'm learning to let go and think more. I'm learning that little things, words, gestures count. I'm learning to be more selfless and enjoy what I have then. I'm learning to also make things look prettier by just adding a touch of myself. I'm learning that memories are very important and I know how I want to be remembered. I'm learning to be more patient and more understandable.

No, no, it's not easy. And it's not all. But learning is one good way, isn't it?

I wish all of you a beautiful, memorable, fun and happy Thanksgiving.

Even though we tried our best to have everything ready on time, I wasn't and it put me in an awful mood for a bit. After I calmed down and changed, everything went smoothly and we enjoyed our time with both our families.

It's funny how you have expectations on how things are going to be and then it kinda always turn out differently, which is not always a bad thing. I focused so much on making everyone comfortable and at ease that I forgot to take pictures for example.

One thing I learned from this experience is that you can forgive (or almost) but forgetting is the hardest part especially when it involves mom's tears...

When I look back on this, I can't stop but feeling that even though it wasn't a total failure, things could have been easier, especially if my moods were better.

We'll have another one of this lind of celebrations and I hope that this time, it'll end differently.

that I'm lucky enough even if most of the time I think I'm not.

Watching this video was like a wake-up call. I am lucky. I grew up in a loving family and even though life wasn't always easy, the support I got from my family, friends or even strangers has always kept me from falling to the bad side of life.

I knew being an addict was hard as it is, but watching this made me feel so scared, not for me, but for them. I only wish drugs didn't exist.

to be alive.

to be able to witness the most amazing beauties in life

such as rain, colors, seasons changings & the beauty of Mother Nature.

We spend the afternoon at BabyLuv's grandma and she has two huge cats (9 kilos each!) and Brother, the male, is usually not nice at all and scratches and bites. But I guess today he was tired and he didn't even try to do us any harm, even though BabyLuv and his dad were pestering him.
I pet him for as long as I could. He was so soft and so kind that I couldn't stop even when my eyes started itching. It was such a treat to be near him and hear him breathe and purr.
Lady is calmer but also really scared of people. When you come too fast next to her, she rushes out! When you're more careful, she's still scared and she probably thinks about her options to escape but then when you show her that you don't want to hurt her or anything, she lets you pet her and she even ask for more, but like a shy little girl.












We won't have a cat for now. We're both allergic and BabyLuv is afraid they're going to destroy everything. But as soon as we have children and a house, we will.

I like her because she smiles at me and means it.
~Anonymous

Click through the picture to go on the site where I bought this poster. Unfortunately, they are not selling this piece anymore.

When I found out Steve Jobs passed away, I felt kinda lost for a moment.

But it's not because you don't know someone that it doesn't affect you in a certain way.

When one of my friends' mother died earlier this year, I cried so much even though I've never met her: I cried because my friend was in pain and I could relate to what she was going through and I didn't want to go through this and because she's so dear to me.

Steve Jobs made me realize a few great things over the past years: he was a strong believer of creating your own happiness, he was a genius who changed the life of millions with his creations, he always gave great pieces of advice, he was always looking for something more, something greater, something stronger. He always had meaningful comments and sayings.

He also made me realize how easier life was when you put things into perspective and how you influence your lifestyle with little useful things such as organisation, taking one thing at a time, thinking bigger than the box or the majority.

Thanks to the products he designed, I could really focus on what I love and how I conduct my everyday life. It just made it manageable and uncomplicated. I now use an iMAc and an iPhone and everything is just less demanding: I can set everything together and never forget an appointment or a date or something I really have to do. I can list the books I want to read, the place I want to see, the movies I want to watch in one device and not on thousands of papers (even though I love paper, but I love trees even more!) that I'd lose the next day.

R.I.P. Steve Jobs and thank you for all that you've done for us.

I should really stop putting my to-do lists on the blog since it's not working at all.

I should just write what I've done during the day/week when it's actually done.

I haven't done anything in the house this week, I know I've been working full days and I've been a little sick and a lot tired but this doesn't mean I can't do my part around the house. Peter is always so courageous and helpful. I'm a lucky girl! But I should stop taking advantage of his kindness and patience.

On another note, I'm writing in my diary again.

I love it. I hope it's not another one of those phases because it does me good.

I've been doodling a little too, it's so much fun! I remember doing it in high school and college but since I've had a computer, I haven't written (or read) a lot.

It's all about to change.

Last night, I read a full chapter of The Help. It's so good. Sometimes it's a little difficult when Aibileen's turn to tell the story because it's written the way she speaks but otherwise it's so good to be able to escape in this story.

I had the pleasure to chat with Lea, a beautiful soul who left her beloved London and family to go live in Japan. She's always so cheerful despite the obstacles, she's always a joy to listen to/read about, she has this little something that makes you feel warm and cozy inside.

I've never met her but I know in my heart that our roads will cross someday and that I'll be so impressed that I'll be paralyzed to say anything. She'll talk and I'll have a smile on my face listening to her amazing adventures.

I miss having friend here.

I have Emi, but she's back home at the moment.

I have Karina, but she's a busy mom.

I have Carole, but she's a busy busy bee.

And I have facebook. I hate facebook. And I like it a little too.

I just want life to be more than what this site conducts us. 

We became such stalkers, so immature and so curious in a nasty way.

I believe I'm mature and curious in a good way. I'm kind of a stalker though. But only for the people I care about. Those who are far far away. And yet again, I haven't called my best friend in forever...

I know that if I delete my facebook, questions will raise but they'll never be asked to me personally. They'll become gossips, whispers.

I know that if I leave facebook, people will wonder but then, they will forget.

But I know I will delete my facebook soon.

And that will be for the best. Especially for me.

I was at my grand-parents, using the new email address I created with my aunt, Alexandra.

I heard this silence.

I know you can't hear silence but this is the sort of "sound" you don't like to hear.

My aunt and uncle were in front of the TV.

The first tower just got hit.

I remember not asking any questions, just watching as the images flashed past on the TV.

It was horrible, it was surreal.

My first thought was: "how can they let that happen?". It wasn't directed at anyone, I was asking the world.

How people can be so cruel, how can they just destroy so many lives? What about the people on top of the buildings? Where is the military?

Those questions still filled my mind when four days later, I went to Paris to get my interview to spend a year in the USA as an au pair.

10 years.

I still can't believe how bad this was. How terrible and devastating it's still is for lots of people. How it affects everyone who can remember 9/11.

The images still haunt me, they're strong, fixed in my mind.

When I arrived in New York City six months later, the only thought I had was of the people who were still living there and seeing the scenery everyday. I was wondering how they did.

We went on a round trip in the city and went to see where the Twin Towers used to be. The bus went silent and everybody was looking at the fences where thousands of notes, drawings and pictures were hanging.

Some took pictures. I don't remember if I did. I just knew this was a moment where this same silence was haunting me again.

I decided to keep the inspiration and creativity very high in my priorities: I want to do things that I love and I want to create beautiful things and I want to make my own bread, cookies, cards, decoration, maybe clothes.

I know it's going to take a lot of efforts, especially for the lazy bones that I am but I'm ready to make it work. Yesterday I bought two new notebooks in ikea to help me create as much as I can. I think these two will help me write down ideas, draw figures and forms and patterns out of my mind, write words that are important to me and also express myself on a daily basis.

I've always had notebooks/diaries and I'm not consistant writing in them but when the words are there, they're included in my life forever. And that's what I want, I want all the little things that I notice, all the emotions, all that's happening to keep me inspired every day.

I'm hoping to put some pictures in them too. I think I will buy a small printer that I can use regularly and put them together and make some collages. Yes I'm inspired and it feels great!

Aujourd'hui, pendant mon cours, mon élève s'est mis à parler de problèmes personnels qui dans son cas, sont très sérieux. Je ne sais pas ce qui l'a poussé à se dévoiler devant moi ni pourquoi ses paroles se sont mises à couler comme une plaie ouverte, mais je suis certaine que son coeur est reparti plus léger. Cette personne m'a beaucoup touchée dans son récit et je n'ai posé que très peu de questions et je l'ai écouté se confier dans une simplicité totale: pas de jugement, juste deux oreilles. Bien sûr, je ne pouvais pas rester de marbre devant un récit si dramatique et même si parfois, je me posais intérieurement des questions sur tel ou tel point, je ne lui offrais qu'un sourire chaleureux et rassurant.

S'excusant plusieurs fois de se dévoiler ainsi, mon élève s'est également étonné de se laisser aller si 'facilement' avec une personne inconnue, vue pour la première fois.

Je me suis posé cette question plusieurs fois déjà parce que cette personne n'est pas la première personne qui se divulgue à moi: pourquoi ces personnes me parlent-elle? Je pense qu'elles ont besoin de parler et de sentir rassurées et aussi d'avoir une vue extérieure sur leur problème ou conflit. Je pense que c'est un moyen d'évacuer quelque chose qui nous 'détruit' intérieurement et que l'on a du mal à laisser sortir... Je me demande parfois pourquoi cela ne se passe qu'avec moi, je ne sais pas si d'autres personnes ont déjà eu cette expérience, si il y a vraiment une façon de réagir, si on doit tout arrêter ou jouer le rôle de la confidente.

Cela ne me dérange pas que ces personnes se sont dévoilées à moi, bien au contraire et en plus si ces elles s'expriment en français pendant leur cours de français, c'est parfait. Mais y a-t-il une limite dans la vocalisation de nos histoires personnelles? Je pense moi-même l'avoir déjà fait une fois, mais j'étais tellement émotive que je ne pense pas que cela recommencera. Je me suis sentie si vulnérable et je pense que mon interlocuteur n'était pas très à l'aise non plus, alors cela m'a rendue aussi mal à l'aise.

Je ne sais pas si cela a un rapport mais une chose similaire arrive lorsque j'ai des enfants dans les bras: ils s'endorment. Je vous assure, c'est magique. Autant pour moi que pour les parents d'ailleurs! Je suis sûre que ma poitrine dodue en est la cause réelle (c'est comme un oreiller confortable, non?) mais le sentiment d'un petit être (parfois inconnu) dormant dans mes bras est très plaisant, très rassurant pour moi aussi.

I'm not sleeping well lately, I have a hard time falling asleep and I'm awake a few times a night. I'm kind of tired (what an irony!) of this bad pattern my sleep is taking.
Last night, same scenario but this morning I couldn't get out of bed, like it was still night time and I needed more sleep. I think I pushed myself to get up around 11am. And I know that when I sleep too much, I'm more tired, I'm less enthusiastic and less productive.

Tomorrow is kinda busy but tonight with BabyLuv's help, I made a to-do list for the whole week. He said: "I'll be happy if you can do half of it!". He knows me too well... I'm going to try and make him proud.

I don't know what got into me, maybe reading those beautiful blog notes, maybe because I just aged up another year but I feel so nostalgic and almost sad. But you know, this sadness that is not good for you,Overwhelming thoughts the kind that puts you down and makes you want to crawl somewhere small and dark.

I guess not having my friends & family around to celebrate my birthday and not really celebrating it was kinda hard for me this year again. Of course I see Peter's family and they're ever so kind and nice to me but having your own family and friends adds some magic to your life, doesn't it?

Maybe I'm not making the right moves, the right decisions, not doing anything that could make the changes. I don't know. What I sure know is that it's time to change those habits that only keep me where I am. I need to move forward. I need to have some real goals. I need this for me.

I really want to have children but I think I'm afraid too.

And now just thinking about it makes me feel dizzy.

And then I stumble upon Miss James blog posts and the dizziness goes away: the love she unconditionally gives to her children is absolutely moving and wonderful. You can feel it through the pictures and in her eyes and in their eyes. Those kiddos are really something: creative, full of life, cute & funny! I know I want my children to be all that.

And when I see them all so happy and cheerful, it makes me realize that it's just what I expect my family to be. I don't think for a minute they won't be bad/sad/weird/angry moments but I'm sure you can always turn things around and make thing be better and brighter and lovelier.

Oh and I'll definitely do that too. hehe