But we won't give up.

miscarriage-sept2012
We were so happy when we found out I was pregnant: we've been waiting for this, I've been waiting a whole long while. We were so ready for this new change!
His reaction was the best I could ever expect: his eyes showed so much love and his gesture was of a good father already. He would kiss my belly before leaving for work, he was so attentive to me and he said he would protect me. Every time he put his hand on my belly, I would burst with happiness because I knew how lucky I was to have him as the father of our child.
But Nature decided otherwise. This baby wasn't supposed to be just now. There was something wrong and its evolution stopped at about 5 weeks. In front of the gynaecologist, I was brave. In the evening, as I went to bed, I wasn't anymore. I cried myself to sleep. Even though we knew only for a week or two, we were already so full of joy and so looking forward to a little us.
We cried together and we talked a lot. It helps (but I still have tears in my eyes just writing all this, it's an emotional roller-coaster). We talked more and we convinced ourselves I did nothing wrong, even though I had a hard time believing it at first. But I do know that if it's not supposed to be, there's a reason and it's totally out of my hands.
As of today, I'm still pregnant (11 weeks) and I just don't understand why my body isn't reacting yet. It's been 3 weeks that we know that the embryo isn't growing and the wait for it to go away is really hard on me. The doctor said it can take a while but the symptoms are all there and it's not really really nice, to say the least.
I just want it to be over. I want to feel like myself again, not like this emotional wreck I am. And I also want to be happy for those around us who are expecting (and that, my friends, is a hard one).
p.s. (Insert a lot of swearing in mostly French and English), miscarriage is painful. It's over and I'm relieved. Now on to be tired for a few days...
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You know when you really want/need/have to know something but it's up to someone else and they tell you they'll have the answer by today and then you call and they tell you it'll be another day, even their apologies drive you crazy.

Patience

I am a patient person but when it comes to something so huge for me, for us, it makes me feel powerless and kinda sad and a bit angry all at the same time. I hate those feelings when they're mixed together.

But just as the notebook doodles artist said, I have the choice of not letting that go against me and my well-being. I will do what I planned on doing today without too much thinking about it (easier said than done but I can do it).
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