Today wasn't at all how I expected it to be.

I had an appointment with the gynecologist and he checked me and all of a sudden, he became very serious and he told me he saw something and that I should get dressed and he'd tell me at his desk. He even took a picture of my ovaries, he said something but I can't quite remember.

I was about to burst into tears in the changing room, I didn't know what to expect. After that HPV and the surgery in 2007, I was thinking the worst. Yet, I calmed myself down before going to his office.

He was drawing something on a paper: he's a bad draftsman because I couldn't tell what it was. And then he started to explain to me that my ovaries produced infertile eggs and that they were stuck in the ovaries. That's why sometimes I have pain there.
It's called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).


There are three solutions:

  1. I take fertility pills to try to be pregnant.
  2. I take medecine to have my periods almost regularly.
  3. I take the pill again to be sure to have my periods (which is the option I'm going for since lieverd is not ready to have a baby just yet, and since we talked about it and he feels it's the best option right now.)
This kind of news wasn't at all what I was going for but I'm also relieved we finally know what's wrong with me.

Of all the symptoms PCOS has, I have so many that it makes me want to cry:
  • infrequent periods & excessive bleeding during menstruation,
  • weight gain & obesity,
  • hairiness & hair loss,
  • small skin growths around the neck and shoulders,
  • increased levels of blood sugar.
I've noticed that a few were already bothering me but thought about other causes, which probably didn't help, I'm sure.
Right now, I'm feeling so down that I don't really want to think about it even though it comes  back to my thoughts all the time. I'm just, I don't know, shocked, I guess. And I also don't understand why this is all happening to me. What did I do to deserve this? Was I so mean? Am I a bad person?