I have a hard time accepting the fact that I'm turning 30 tomorrow.

30. Thirty. 3...

But, wait! Have I really been living for 30 whole years? Where did the time go? When did this happen? Where has my childhood gone? My teenage years? Am I really an adult now? What does this even mean? Why do I feel that I'm not really going to be 30 tomorrow? 

At the same time, I have this huge burden on my shoulders pushing me to let go of my past and move on in adulthood. I don't want to. I'm not ready just yet!

What happens after you turn 30? Does the world change? Does my world change?

Changes? More grey hair? More scared? More frustrated? More stress? More love? More work? More awareness? Less happiness? Less energy? Less fortunate? Less adventures?

Gosh. I feel so lonely right now. I feel like the world is spinning and I can't do anything to stop it. I feel like crying. I feel like throwing a thumper tantrum. I feel like I wasted so much of this precious time already. I feel like I won't be able to continue if I don't let go of all the bad memories that keep coming back lately.

I hate growing up. I don't want to be an adult with all the worries and the fears that I'm already starting to feel. Why do we get more worried? Why are we more scared? Why are we afraid of? What am I afraid of? What am I afraid of? What am I afraid of?

Today I'm moaning and questioning. But I've decided that it'll be the only time: I don't care if I cry, I don't care if it hurts, I have to make the best of it and just live. For this adulthood, I've decided to take charge and make the best of it. I need this for my family and friends but mostly for me. I need to think of me. I need to get better. I need to take care of what is wrong and make it right again. And then, I'm sure the rest will follow and I'll just have to go with the flow.

Here's to the best adulthood I can ask for! ♥